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Server Move 2008-08-17 14:31:22
In the beginning of next week the server will be migrated, which means that pending IP changes and DNS updates, the server will not be reachable for a while. Leave comment

Genetically Modified Food 2008-08-15 18:40:20
This is a great episode of P&T's Bullshit about genetically modified food. I saw it some time ago while I was in the U.S. and I just stumbled across it online. Here's the links. It's interesting. Try it. Really. P&T - Bullshit - Eat This! - Part 1 P&T - Bullshit - Eat This! - Part 2 P&T - Bullshit - Eat This! - Part 3 1 comment

Back To Work 2008-08-13 22:20:36

I went back to work today, probably way too soon considering how tired and mentally drained I still feel, but I'm hoping that getting into somewhat of a routine is going to do me well. I'm currently almost done battling my way through tons of e-mail and as I do so my todo list is growing and growing. I'm spending a lot of time in Hoorn, which is good. My sister is kind of coming down from all the excitement of the last few weeks (as am I) and I can start to see the cracks appear in her armour. We've started throwing things out and packing things up. Of course, her conservative approach to throwing things out is bugging me a bit, but I'm keeping in mind that it's not really my stuff we'll be moving and I'm trying to bite my tongue whenever she decides to pack something up she hasn't seen in a dog's age rather than just binning it. Going to work from Hoorn by train brought back some tiring memories. For anyone of you who wants an accurate (and hilarious) description of what a morning rush hour train-ride from Hoorn to Amsterdam is like, I suggest you go and talk to Sam, who has nothing but love for that stretch of railway and the people that travel it. :) Everything that has happened over the last few weeks has thrown my body off a bit. I've been sleeping poorly, eating poorly and generally getting next to no real exercise. Not feeling so great in that regard. I'm sure my immunity is low right now and I feel something pushing against it, so I'm hoping that by injecting a little bit of mundanity into my life I'll be able to hold off whatever's bugging me. (!) [Edit] This makes me miss Forkie! :) [Edit 2] Got my phonebill for this month: 463,41 euro. Ouch. 5 comments

We all recognise that I'm the problem here. 2008-08-11 13:59:34
1 comment

... 2008-08-07 14:39:17

I've been living in Hoorn pretty much since I came back from Italy, and it's been nice being in my mother's house, with my brother and sister. I'm not sleeping very well, though, but I made promises to a lot of people that I'd finally try and get some rest, so I'm making an effort. My boss has been great, basically telling me that I can come back whenever I'm ready for it, and should I want to work only half days that it would be fine, too. I might just take some time, if only to help my sister get ready by packing up and throwing out. In the meantime, I've been neglecting a bunch of people that deserve my attention, and through my mother's death got reaquainted with some people that deserve my attention as well. Hopefully, the time that I once invested in my mother and her illness can now be put into those people. For now, however, I am enjoying being lazy just a little bit, so I hope that everyone who is waiting for, or expecting a call forgives me tardiness. 3 comments

Cremation 2008-08-06 02:56:33
Today was the cremation. Even more people showed up than yesterday. I spoke well, I thought, and the whole thing was a beautiful, touching event. I am exhausted. Perhaps I can start living for myself now. 4 comments

Wake 2008-08-05 03:56:19

Tonight was my mother's wake. A lot of people showed up. A lot of people. Massive amounts of flowers were delivered before and brought by people visiting. The room where my mother laid was filled with the deep fragrance of lillies and other flowers. Everyone was emotional, and some completely broke down, which was surprising for some whom I have always considered to be cool cats. They're still bad ass, but it was good to see they aren't robots. :) I must have shaken a hundred hands, kissed two hundred different cheeks and comforted a bunch of people. It's interesting how people continue to feel guilty that I comfort them in their sorrow, as all of them probably had the idea that they would come over to comfort me. I have had some time to mourn, and these people, especially the ones who continue to stuff their feelings deep inside, are suddenly confronted with the reality of her passing and all the emotions suddenly well up inside of them. Some people cried in my arms because of my mother, but some of them cried in my arms because of me, because they sympathise with me and how much I had to endure through all of this. I'm so tired that I'm not entirely sure I'm making a whole hell of a lot of sense here, but I'm so sleep deprived I'm seeing cross-eyed. One more day, one more day and one more speech...then I get some rest. Interesting; a bunch of kung fu people showed up, courtesy of Marloes, which was great. I was eye to eye with Sven, which was cool, too, because I hadn't seen him in fifteen odd years, give or take. And it was great to see Wai again. We had spoken a few days ago, which was fantastic, and seeing him again was good, too. Eva was great, and always touches me so deeply. Sam was there, which was awesome. Frank was there, which I deeply appreciate - he's such an awesome guy. Mouls was great. Kim unloaded her thoughts, emotions and feelings onto me, which I appreciated. Tony showed a side of himself I hadn't seen before, which gives him so much more definition than I realised before. I got a great hug from the Master Hugger; Uncle Rob. I also got a great hug from Sandra and Sam. All in all, this evening was exhausting and amazing, and it's hard to focus on one particular person or event for very long without my brain refocussing on something equally impressive, significant or touching. And the actual cremation still needs to happen! I feel I didn't have enough time to spend with everyone. Some people deserved more of my attention, like Mike, and my grandmother, but sadly I couldn't be in two conversations at once. If I could, I would. I had to have a hard conversation with someone who wasn't invited - who had been explicitely asked not to come, which I thought I handled very well, but I'm not sure if the message sunk in. If she shows up tomorrow I'm going to have to get ugly, which I don't want to, but will have to do. Someone who didn't know my mother asked me if I wanted them to be there, and I said I didn't. I shouldn't have done that. They might not know my mother, but there were plenty of people there who were simply there to support me, or one of my siblings, and I should really try to remember that it's okay to accept help or support. Anyway, gotta go. I still have a speech to write and perhaps a couple of hours of sleep to catch. 1 comment

Trouble 2008-08-03 15:38:20

It's quite unbelievable how many disappointments we've run into trying to arrange for my mother's cremation, all as a result of one mistake made in Italy and the subsequent transport of my mother's body to the Netherlands. It's frustrating that because of that mistake we can't turn her cremation into what she wanted it to be. In the meantime, I've missed Dennis II, Jim, Gay Pride and my Warcraft guild's guildmeeting in Amsterdam. I don't regret that, but it's unfortunate. Leave comment

Preparations 2008-08-02 16:55:57

My brother, sister and I are busy preparing everything for my mother's cremation. It's going well, the hardest part is finding people who have the stones to say something at her funeral. Naturally, I will do it ("As long as I have to.") and my cousin Kim wanted to recite something she found very relevant. With my father's funeral, his best friend spoke as well, and he's a writer, poet and Dutch teacher, so he knows how to do that really well. I wish there was someone like that now, too. The hardest part, personally, is talking to everyone we are inviting. We took the same approach as last year, by bringing the invitations/mourning cards personally. It means you have the same conversation a lot, and because I was with her in Italy they kind of look to me for the details, but I find myself a little reluctant to share them. Not because I'm greedy, but because the last few hours were kind of hard. Well, really hard and not something I think she'd tell to others. See, my mother had a tendency to hide her pain and suffering. I don't know. I have a tendency to fall silent a lot lately. 3 comments

Mother 2008-07-30 12:23:41

Worst day of my life? It can always get worse. Of course she was scared, terrified, even. I was called around 1:30 am, after about two hours and change of sleep and asked to come to the hospital. My mother was panicking and it was thought that seeing me might calm her down. It didn't. After several hours a cocktail of severe sedatives did the trick, but until that time it was undescribably horrible. With the sedatives she went limp and slept, her breath rapid and shallow. She took her last breath at 15:00 exactly. Finally this nightmare is over. Now it's just a matter of logistics. I am so fucking relieved. Leave comment

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